Unidentifiable Mediterranean Food in Katy

Today, I had lunch at the Red Oak Grill, in Katy, Texas. It was recommended by friends of my aunt, who claimed the food was amazing. They probably think Paula Deen is amazing, too.

The restaurant was located in a brand-new suburban strip mall, with a menu consisting of hamburgers, salads, and not-too-threatening Mediterranean food. I ordered the Chicken Schwarma Wrap and a side of stuffed grape leaves. The owner was of undetermined ethnicity, and there was nothing distinctive about the food to indicate. Lebanese? Syrian? Either way, it was just bad.

First, I hate pickles. Pickles in Middle Eastern food, you ask? Not only did my wrap contain pickles, the pickles were the best part of the whole meal...The wrap was a great example of what happens when you take a tasty concept and execute it using the cheapest, most commercial ingredients possible. The chicken tasted like it had been repeatedly thawed and frozen, and then perhaps microwaved. It suffered from a lack of seasoning. The chicken was stuffed in a store-bought, untoasted pita, slathered with garlic sauce and covered with tomato and pickle spears. Lebanese-Jewish-Deli fusion? Oy.

The stuffed grape leaves were truly scary. Imagine a chef who cooks only Asian food, attempting to make dolmades based off of nothing more than a description. They were the size and shape of spring rolls. The outer grape leaf was dried out to the chewiness and flavor of nori, yet it retained a weird oiliness. The filling consisted of a basmati-type rice that held its shape too well and failed to absorb flavor from the cooking liquid.

When I was in the sixth grade, I made my own dolmades for a social studies project on ancient Greece`using canned grape leaves. Nobody would actually try them, including my social studies teacher (who claimed to be on a diet). My dolmades were far, far better than these...things. Of course, the menu and the owner called them "stuffed grape leaves", so perhaps this dish was meant to be something else entirely.

At least I discovered a novel use for pickles.