Au Mal Pain

For lunch, I had a roast beef sandwich, some French onion soup, and iced tea at Au Bon Pain. It was decidedly not bon.

I hadn't been to an Au Bon Pain in approximately fifteen years, and I always walk by this outpost and drool, wishing I had time for lunch. Today, I did.

First, their ordering methods are ridiculous. I stood there for several minutes staring at their (overly busy) menu, wondering why none of the employees were trying to help me in a completely deserted restaurant. Then, one of the employees helpfully pointed out the ordering cards. I dutifully checked the one little box on the huge piece of paper, wondering all the while why there wasn't a list of options to check off- no mayo, extra cheese? Not here. Complete waste of paper, and my time. Then I tried to hand my card to an employee, who pointed out an empty wire basket into which I was supposed to place said card. Perhaps this is all a tactic. They took so long to make my sandwich, I bumbled right into a bowl of soup I didn't need.

I have a huge French onion soup thing, and I'd really been craving it lately. I thought it was my lucky day when I saw the French onion soup lurking among the six or seven heated tureens. Lesson #1: a fast-casual restaurant attached to a hospital cannot possibly make seven good soups. Maybe not even one. The French onion was depressing. It was the most tasteless soup I've ever had: no hint of onion, no hint of beef, or sherry, or even chicken. Just a lot of tasteless oil. I'd like to think my garbage disposal enjoyed it.

The sandwich was not so much offensive as incredibly boring. It consisted of very peppery roast beef, mayo (er, what I thought was mayo but is allegedly "Caesar dressing"), improbably large leaves of romaine, and an asiago cheese crisp, all on rubbery, strangely shiny wannabe ciabatta. It was the cheese crisp that intrigued me, but it was too thick to be "crispy" and the overall effect was messy as I tried to eat it while driving.

Then, the tea. Like an idiot, I grabbed the "Peach Tea" over the tea I knew to be unsweetened, because I'm used to designer unsweetened teas at Chipotle and the like. It was indeed sweetened, with something resembling battery acid- you know, the fake peach flavor that stings the back of your throat. Yuck.

The final straw? Somehow, my total came to $13. After much consultation with my receipt, the only thing I can figure is that they have some kind of soup n' sandwich deal that is more expensive than each item individually. It'll be another fifteen years before I go back.